PRIVATE

"If I lay here    If I just lay here    Would you lie with me and just forget the world."

I used to not believing such "crap." Fate... I thought, well, I chose, not to believe it. And I thought no matter what happened, I could fight through it. I thought fate was built by what we do and how we live, meaning, we make our owe fate and we are the one who controls. But the fact is what I thought is not true. Do you know what I mean? It's like... It sucks when something happens to you and you are not prepared for it. You're ... Well, if you had choice, you'd rather let it not happen because you don't have ability to deal with such situation at all. But ... it just happened. Like it is really your destiny. You can never run out. It just slapped on your face. And you just feel weak to fight against it. You could yell "No~~~~!" loud. But you just can't change anything. I, it's me. This time I feel like I got hit by the fate. I'll try not to be beaten by it though. But I'm not very positive. May be after many years, I could be able to look back and see things with peace and to tell stories to people but not feel hurt. Yet now, I am still a pathetic, hopeless person who is struggling and trying to survive until the time I could find my peace.

Do people love others because they love themselves?

 

 

You know what? It is actually very appropriate to do something like this once in a while.

 

NEWS, my roommate and I adopted a land for farming. We could grow greens for some freshness. Yeah~~~

 

Another thing, although, I really like to have a fancy bike, I think I'll just wait until I get a car. Hopefully, it won't take me for ever. : )

 

Updating: I got a blister while I was farming. Strawberries grow well, but all fruits are gone. Animals take them as dessert, we assume. I decided to get a new bike. Screw the car! That's not environment-friendly.

All righty, I really want to write this in English. So if you could not read, then you would probably not to go on till here to see that I am sorry about that.

 

Well, I procrastinate a lot. I know that is bad. But I coudn't do anything about that. So, this was the situation that I had to deal with last night. I had a 5 page paper critique due today, a lab meeting presentation today, two papers to be discussed in class today, and a lot of other things that didn't seem that emergent. So, I gave the highest priority to this paper critique, since this was supposed to be an important midterm report form exam. I had already read the paper for, say, three or four times, but seriously that was not enough to generate a high quality critique focusing on approaches. So, I spent a lot of time digging with the experiment design, trying to find logical flaws, alternative way to improve and strengthen the conclustion and etc. And finally, I cannot carry on any more at 4:00am. So I thought may be I should go to have an hour sleep and then get up at 5:00 am to continue the report. I had already filled three pages at the time I went to sleep, and I planed to finish this thing on, say seven-ish. And then go on working with the slides for lab meeting presentation on 10:30am. And after that, may be 12-ish, I could dig deeper for the two papers I was going to discuss on 2:30pm. That seemed a perfect and reasonable plan. But, when I woke up, it had been 8:00 in the morning. So, that screwed the whole plan of mine. Panic for about two munites, I came up with the plan B, which was cramming for the slides for lab meeting, and then finish the paper before 2:30pm class. And since I had already read those two to be discussed papers before, I would just go with whatever I could understand to the discussion and pretend that I understand it well. So, I immediately started working on the slides. It's not easy to make slides with mixed contents with A/ my trip to NYC, B/ summary of my previous work in CAU, C/ summary of previous rounds rotations, and D/ what I did after I came to THE lab, especially if you wanted to figure out some expression pattern of a whole bunch of genes from hundreds of GFP pictures took you days to examine them. Anyway, I made it almost done at 9:30am; then along with my light click in a subconcious manner, I didn't save the ppt file before I closed it up. In another word, I ruined what I did in the last hour and a half and put myself in a even more awkward position. But, rather than really furious about myself, I just started it all over again in very focused concentration since I didn't have time to be angry. After I got it done, I ran to the lab from my apartment, but was still late for about three minutes. The good thing was nobody was really that punctuate. : ) So, I made it through the talking at lab meeting. People tried to be nice and encouraged me a lot, which I didn't think I really deserved. Another good thing was we have treat for lab meeting, so this one left-over bagel (since I talked I couldn't eat at the same time.) supported me through the whole day. I started to continue on my paper critique at 12-ish, and finished the last sentence just before the class which left no time to print it out. So, I directly went to the class and pretent that I didn't know that we should print the paper out. The instructors were also nice and said that I could email my paper to them later. But I said that I actually could print it out just after the class. I guess my intent there was to show that I did finish my report on time. Well, I then actively participated in the discussion by throwing out whatever I knew about the paper plus my immature opinions plus expressing the agreement on the instructors' opinions (yeah~ in an ass-kisser style, so?). So, after the class, I then had some time to retrospect that how amazing I was to get things done in time although I procratinated that much. Then, 4:00pm was the MCDB forum, I went to L's talk, and she talked good. Later, I went to the lab to check my worms for a little bit. Amazing that this sandglass body shape weird worm was still alive. Then before I left, my boss came and said that we were invited to a reception for an invited speaker for this week's seminar in our devision. So, free food, why not? I then went home, and waited for D call me cause he would give me a ride to LJ's place (LJ hosted the reception.). We had great time then. I finally made acquaintance with CT. My boss played his harmonica; he is way much too cool to be a scientist. Oh, and the food was like heaven, compared with which what I usually eat couldn't be called food any more. I hope that I could have a friend like LJ's that could cook like a pro. In sum, I had a great time there today, and full - filled way fulfilled. : ) So, let's just call it a wonderful day! And I am amazing.

Today is the first day of spring.

 

最近食欲不振，就好像情绪一样。明明很饿，就是不想吃，或许，也许是吃不下。

今天是个大阴天，我以为天气会很冷，结果出门发现其实很温暖。

突然想也许以前的冷天也都是自己想出来的。

不知道有多少次是在真的去体验之前就先下了定义，先贴了标签，先有了偏见...

到了真正去经历的时候，又不知道在多大程度上受了那些先入为主的想法的影响。

 

来学校的路上，看见了一树怒放的樱花，旁边是一株吐满红色嫩芽的树，低处是几棵黄得耀眼的迎春。

一白一红一黄，这样的色彩组合，在这没有阳光的大阴天也仍然那么显眼，跃动着某种生命的活力。

 

让温暖的风吹着头发，高昂着脸，朝着太阳的方向，虽然没有阳光照过来，不过... 我心里还是温暖。

 

想，也许不应该再畏惧什么了吧。 I'm sorry.

话说我的proposal在3/11 due，但是直到8号的时候我还没有动弹的意思。因此从8号晚上开始熬夜构思，接下来9号10号连熬两天，一直到12号00：30才把它提交了。Yes，I know，我交晚了，但是那也没有办法，最后排版花了比我预计要长的时间，其实主体是按时写完了的。12号lab meeting，是我的presentation，接下来准备ppt，但是实在坚持不住，12号凌晨3点就睡了。第二天早上接着准备slides，直到开会前两分钟也没做好，于是放弃了，反正是自己人，瞎讲好了。结果我们实验室的印度大哥记错了schedule，以为是他讲，所以我很乐意的把这次宝贵的机会让给了他，我下次再讲好了。其实，我内心深处也小挣扎了一下，早知道我00：30就直接睡觉了。话说这一个星期过得神魂颠倒，白天总是很飘忽，有种成仙的感觉，上课也得不断呼唤自己才能不睡着，每次眨眼都不想再睁开了。就这样忙过了这一周。接下来是spring break，不用上课了很好。原计划是好好歇歇，结果... 头一天就熬夜看虫，早上6点回家睡觉，中午12点再接着回来看，照了好几百张照片，总算大功告成。然后更郁闷的是分析实验数据这一块。除了GFP还有QTL的数据，也都还没好好整理，还有下周要讨论的paper两篇没看，还有作业两个没写，还有老板留的paper没看，还有proposal review summary没写，之前落下的reading我也没补上，还要布置新的实验，还要思考和解决完成上述任何一项的过程中衍生出的无数问题。眼看spring break也要过去了，再开学就快期末了，也看不到啥光明在前面了。

 

昨天累得要死，回家以后做了个菠菜汤，切葱竟然又切手。我当时真的只走神了0.1秒，结果就真的切到手。跟上回切的差不多，只不过是小指，这次。幸好我有经验了，直接敷云南白药。喝了菠菜汤就睡了，一直睡到了今天中午才起来。下午一点多才去实验室。结果PostDoc看见我，看了看手表跟我说"That's some luxury of life.” Yes, he's right. But I really need that kind of luxury.

 

最近弹钢琴上瘾了。说过我们系楼道里有架破钢琴吧？自从某次去弹了一回之后，我就老想去弹。我觉得我的即兴小品都弹的很不错，即使... 其实... 我不会弹钢琴。好吧，不过，大概我还是有点天赋的吧。嘿嘿～

 

哦，这两天大体上讲天气都挺好的。阳光很温暖，这样的天气就适合整天待着外面晒太阳。不过我也没那个好命，要不就是在家，要不就是在实验室，要不就是在我这没有窗户跟监狱一样的办公室。唉～～ 我现在就很想躺在草地里，晒太阳，再顺便听苏打绿的“无与伦比的美丽”。

 

看，现实跟梦想总是差距那么大。唉～～

空间被我荒废很久了。我现在有好多话想说，好多事情想和大家分享。我自己最近心情很好，觉得有必要把这种好心情记录在这里，以免我将来忘记了。

 

第一件重要的事情是我决定（虽然这不是我一个人就能决定的。）留在现在轮转的这个实验室。这个未必真的决定我将来的研究方向，但是也大体上有很重要的影响。但是这个影响，可能十年二十年以后我才能说的出来。所以现在先不谈这个。简单的说说我对于实验室的印象。老板很有passion，人很nice，自己做实验，亲手教学生。笨手笨脚他也不会说你，他就在边上笑话你。他自己做实验遇到问题，想办法解决之后就会陷入自我欣赏的得意状态，告诉你让你学着点。讲报告的时候喜欢在科学问题中间穿拆乱七八糟的有趣的事情，你得切换很快才能跟上。他还喜欢把重要的事情都写下来，一条一条的，是个很有条理的人。那天没有约好就去骚扰他，为了给我讲一个问题，他打电话推迟了本来的约会。实验室的两个postdoc人也很nice，很有耐心，有什么问题问他们，他们都能侃侃而谈。如果发现什么好的学习资料，还会主动发给我。另外两个研究生也很nice，懂得很多，也应该多向他们学习。我们每周有一次lab meeting，除此之外还有individual meeting，单独跟老板谈话，主要都是聊工作进展什么的。这周的individual meeting忘记去了，呵呵，记错日子了，老板没说我。

 

第二件重要的事情，其实也没有很重要。我终于亲眼看见了gfp虫，呵呵，creepy green monster. 学习了使用这种高级的显微镜。周一要自己做gfp虫，学习microinjection，很兴奋。观察到了虫的交配。另外我的平板被另外的菌污染，其抗生素对于两种细菌有抑制生长作用，但是对另外两种菌则没有抑制作用。通过google research，发现原来那两种生长受到抑制的菌是gram-positive，另外两种生长没有收到影响的是gram-negative；由于两种菌的细胞壁结构不同，造成他们对于抗生素的resistance能力不同。革兰氏阴性菌的细胞壁里保护其不受抗生素影响的最重要的组成成分是polyliposaccharide，中文是不是叫脂多糖啊，我也没查。Well, 这都是generally speaking，大家不用担心，对于革兰氏阴性菌，也有有效的抗生素。

 

第三件要说的事情，也不是什么重要的事情。我这学期比较忙，三门课，每周四篇规定的paper，都是不熟悉的研究领域，要么是提问，要么是presentation，所以都要精读很多遍才行的，还有一篇journal club的paper；其实有两个journal club，可是其中一个跟我的课时间冲突，所以我躲过一篇paper. 各门课的presentation一共7个，平均差不多每两周就有一个，3个15分钟的，4个30分钟的。每周五都有seminar，每周四lab meeting，周三跟老板的单独meeting；另外一门课还有四五个大型作业分布在这学期的不同时间due. 其他的时间都是lab，当然还有自己的research需要学习的东西。除此之外我已经没有什么时间了，就够吃口饭，睡会觉的了。更多的时候是我根本不能按时完成作业。唉～～～ 不过，我倒是觉得这种intense的生活比较充实。虽然，我其实觉得这些课也没学到那么多真的很有用的东西，不过，多少还是学到了些。我建议原来312的小朋友们也能自己弄个journal club学习学习paper什么的。

 

第四件事情，发现人心情好的时候，自然而然的就会运用积极的思维方式。可能都是因为新lab带来的好心情造成我最近心情很好（看我这句废话，我都服了我自己了），所以感觉很有干劲似的。对了，我也有郁闷的事情。比如周一，先是那天下雨，我没有雨伞，等雨停了去上学，穿了羽绒服，太厚，很不合时宜，再次是晚上把菌举高对着光看，摇了两下，竟然撒脸上。那是一种致病菌，唉～～ 晚上回家发现自行车倒了，车把车座都歪了，扶起来的时候又把反光镜掰掉了，总之那天很倒霉就是了。不过这仿佛也没啥，像我这种倒霉经验很丰富的人，这些都无所谓的。最险的是今天，我把答题卡落在楼道里，忘了拿。哦，对了，我还有grading呢，TA的工作。好几百人的答题卡，我要是给丢了，那我就麻烦大了。幸好后来又给找回来了。

 

对了对了，还有这个比我早来一年的同学，总是真诚的表扬我，弄得我很高兴，哈哈！我怎么觉得她说的这么对呢？哦，另外一个郁闷的事情是，我不喜欢这个日本老师的课，特别闷，不过我就忍了吧。总得凑够那么多学分啊。哦，还有这个特别帅老师的课，这学期我没得机会上，以后再说吧。还有啥呢？我今天听的一个报告是有关plant architecture 的，探讨的是domestication vs evolution的问题，有意思的是外国人管狗尾巴草叫green millet，那种用于农业生产的叫foxtail millet，也就是咱们所谓的小米。OK，小米 和 狗尾巴草 是亲戚。所以我觉得foxtail跟dogtail这很切合。这让我想起kansas这边有野生的高山积雪，他们就管那叫snow on the mountain. 当然了，这主要是因为中文是根据英文翻译过来的。印象深的是，speaker讲“Branching is the behavior of platns."

 

哦哦，还有件事情，我上周末炖了肘子，味道跟家里炖的一样好。哇～～～ 我好能跑题啊！管他呢。So, I guess, if 说正题的话，正题是我的近况。我的近况很好，就是这样。哦，仿佛经济状况不是很乐观，不过也不算糟，反正没有美国总体的经济那么萎靡。好吧，那平均的话，我给自己的近况打个B+吧，留点上升空间给自己。我这人不大喜欢给A，但是我喜欢得A，哈哈。好吧，就写这么多吧。

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